she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
