I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
