just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i came on her dog
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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