Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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