Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
