cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm too high and old for this...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
