The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
