My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
