a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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