We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
