Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just pee around me
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
