I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you traded sex for a burrito?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
