I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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