Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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