After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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