I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
