Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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