it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i drank out of a bidet.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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