you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
