I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
