All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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