His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
