Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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