Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
