The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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