Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
