she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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