Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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