this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
