I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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