I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
