thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
