I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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