I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
