i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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