I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
