Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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