I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
you made out with another girl for some wings
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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