i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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