im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
