Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
