There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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