I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
