in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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