I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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