My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
