Your face is a jimmy john
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
