What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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