my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
When are your genitals available?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
