I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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