So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
