Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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