my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
