so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
